


don't let me see what i am

by kodzumiau



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Kozume Kenma, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Character, Trans Kozume Kenma, Trans Male Character, i love this headcanon so much, it's not mentioned but kurooo is biromantic and asexual pass it on, trans kenma goes brrrrr, trans!kenma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26697850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kodzumiau/pseuds/kodzumiau
Summary: "Because now I don't remember comfort, because what I am is what I'm not. I don't belong here, it's just hopeless" - dysphoric by cavetown.Where had Kozume heard these lyrics? Why were they affecting her so much? Why did she relate? Was she a...? No, there's no way, right?
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 1
Kudos: 63





	don't let me see what i am

**Author's Note:**

> I use she/her and Kozume to refer to Kenma before he realizes he's a trans guy. I wrote this because Kenma is my comfort character and the headcanon of trans Kenma genuinely makes me really happy and feel validated as a trans guy myself. Since there's a lack of trans Kenma content, I decided to write someone myself using my experience as a trans boy! I'm an amateur writer and English isn't my native language so I apologize beforehand for any mistakes. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> PS: F*ck terfs xoxo ;)

_"Because now I don't remember comfort, because what I am is what I'm not. I don't belong here, it's just hopeless"_ \- dysphoric by cavetown

Those words had stuck on to Kozume's mind like slugs. No matter what she tried to shake them off, she just couldn't. What was wrong with her? What had gotten into her? She didn't even know where she heard that song. Why were the lyrics affecting her so much? Why did she sort of relate? Was she sick in the head?

God, she just wanted to live a normal life. She didn't want to worry about her gender identity. She didn't want to be a man...or did she? Kozume couldn't even tell at this point. She had never even thought about it, I mean, she knew about trans people and had recently started educating herself on the topic. Why now? She was only sixteen, why was she worrying about this kinda stuff? She should be caring about other things. Kozume wanted to stop, but how could she **not** think about it? Kozume had been restless for weeks now, she stayed up all night thinking about it. Let's be honest, she wasn't just thinking, most of the time she was crying until no more tears came out of her eyes. And tonight wasn't going to be no different either. 

The clock on her phone marked 6:00 AM. Fuck, she thought. Another sleepless night thinking about a stupid thing. Or maybe it wasn't stupid. Maybe it was real, maybe not. How could she be sure this wasn't just a way of her seeking attention? What if she thought she was a man but turns out she wasn't? She couldn't stop the war going on inside her mind. She just wanted some peace. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to look at a mirror and not feel empty, to actually recognize herself. She kept thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and the conclusion she always found herself in was- "I'm a boy".

Could it be real? Could it really? 

Kozume really needed to speak with someone about this but she also didn't want to be a burden for anybody. Her parents were a no-go, they weren't lgbta-friendly at **all**. Kozume remembered when she told her parents she was asexual, but what she remembered the most was the punch she received from her mom and the beating from her dad. She also remembered something else, something no one knew about. Her best friend, Tetsuro Kuroo, knew about the beatings and punches she started suffering almost daily and the scars she put on her own skin as a cry for help and tried to help her in any way he could, but he didn't know about this one thing. About how her father sneaked into her sheets with the excuse "let's see if this will make you change your mind about the asexuality bullshit". It wasn't that Kozume didn't trust Kuroo, but she thought she would just upset his friend with stuff like that. She didn't want to lose him, he was the only thing she had. 

***beep beep***

Who the fuck was texting her at six in the morning?! She unlocked her phone to see who it was. Of course, it was from him. Why was he up so late anyway? 

"hey" - kuroo

"why are you up so late??" - kozume

"hello to u as well, kitty-cat" - kuroo

"don't call me that" - kozume

"oooh, c'mon u know u like it" - kuroo

"*sigh* what did u want anyway?" - kozume

"oh yeah, it's just that recently you've been super weird and i don't know if it's the situation with your parents or what but i can tell you're not fine. just wanted to let u know im always here for u. u can come over to my place this afternoon if u need it" - kuroo

"ok, thanks" - kozume

Kozume knew she hadn't been acting like her normal self these past few weeks. She knew it and hated it. But, how was she supposed to act normal? Her entire life could be a lie and she was close to tearing it down. She felt frustrated. What was she supposed to do? She tried to go to sleep and for the first time, she actually slept. Maybe she was getting _this_ close to the conclusion. She woke up at 11:00 AM, got up from her bed, and picked a random hoodie from her vast collection, most of them were Kuroo's. Whenever Kuroo stayed at Kozume's house, he would always "accidentally" leave a hoodie or a t-shirt. When Kozume tried to give them back, Kuroo acted like he'd never seen that piece of clothing before, even if he had been wearing it last night. When she finished dressing up, she sat on her desk chair and started her computer. That was her daily routine. The only time she came out of her room was to eat (if her parents _allowed_ her to eat), to use the restroom, or to go to Kuroo's house. Kozume felt at home there, like she really belonged there.

The clock on her computer hit 5:00 PM so she decided to go to Kuroo's. She needed it so desperately. Kozume didn't even tell her parents, It's not like they cared anyway. Kuroo's house was only a few meters away from hers. Even though it was a short walk it always soothed her. She got to her best friend's doorstep and knocked. Only a few seconds passed when a tall familiar figure opened the door. _"Pretty, as always"-_ Kozume thought. ...Wait, did she really think that just now? Anyway, she stepped into Kuroo's home, well, her house as well since it was the only place she could recognize as a home. As soon as she stepped in a pair of long and musculated arms surrounded her into a tight embrace. That was Kozume's second home, Kuroo's arms. She fit perfectly into them, like they were made specifically for her. She wanted to stay there forever. They separated from the embrace and went to Kuroo's room. Kozume's third home.

They both laid on Kuroo's bed when Kozume said out of the blue.

-"Hey, I don't think I like my name, I want a new one.- Why did she even say that? Normally words didn't come out of her throat even when she wanted them to, so why did she blurp that out just now?

-"What do you want me to call you then? - Kozume hadn't really thought about a name yet, but there was this name that she liked a lot. 

-"How about Kenma?" - she was ashamed to say it aloud, she was going to sound like a total nerd.

-"Kenma? Like that character from that game you're always playing? It's actually a pretty nice name now that I think about it, it suits you. Kenma Kozume, it does sound right, doesn't it? 

Kenma smiled genuinely for the first time in a really long time.

-"But why do you want to change your name all of a sudden? - Kuroo asked and Kenma's smile faded. Uh oh. What was she supposed to say? Was she going to tell Kuroo what she thought she was? Was she 100% sure? 

-"Uhm, well I-I don't think I'm a girl, what I mean is, I think I'm a boy. I'm a boy and my name is Kenma Kozume, or at least that's what I think. That's what's been bugging me these past few weeks, I'm sorry for not telling you this before".

Kuroo was speechless. It wasn't that he was upset or disgusted by the fact that his best friend was actually a boy, he was just shocked. He had to think something to say something quick, he didn't want Kenma to take his silence the wrong way.

-"Listen, Kenma, you're my best friend and I love you more than anyone else in the world, I'll always trust you, so if you say you're a boy, then you're one. The manliest man ever. The prettiest boy in the world". Did he say that last bit out loud right now? Uh oh.

Before Kuroo could continue overthinking what he said, Kenma broke down in tears. He was so happy. He was a boy, he truly was. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading to the end!! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I might consider writing a second part of this regarding Kenma's transition and how his other friends react to him coming out!


End file.
